Tag Archives: God

Five Years?!

July 11, 2011.

I can’t remember what I was doing that day – but according to WordPress, I posted an ‘about me’ on this page. AKA I started “ceaseless serendipity” (first known as ‘Girl Meets World’), five whole years ago!

Wow… what was I doing five years ago? So much has happened. Five years ago, I was in high school. I was having a… rough patch. High school wasn’t easy, and to be honest, I was mostly doing things on my own. I still consider myself to be fairly independent, but now I have the most amazing friends, and I’m graduating from college in a few months. 2016 must have seemed so far away. Who would’ve thought I would be here now, right?

As an education major, I feel like I am obligated to do a then vs. now Venn Diagram. So here it is: What my life was like five years ago (the then) and today (the now).

venn-diagram

#comicsans

Two and a half years ago (a half-way marker), I was enjoying college and life in general: I was just beginning a summer internship at an orphanage in China, enjoying life, and about to begin my sophomore year in college – my personal favorite year, in my opinion. Now, I am thankful to be able to still enjoy the same college with many of the same friends I made freshman year. A lot has changed, but some things remain the same!

In my Venn Diagram, I forgot to include epilepsy (my seizures) – but I’ll leave that for another time. However, I’ll try to get a post in before the end of the month – November is epilepsy awareness month! woot woot! Another honorable mention: I’m teaching, for real! No, I don’t have my own classroom, but I am in schools, teaching kindergarteners. Now THAT is awesome! Also I’m still incredibly awkward.

Not everything that happens in life is awesome and worth having a party or blog post about. I get that – things like that have happened to me. For me, I process things by journaling: seeing them on paper (or a computer screen) makes craziness in life not that crazy, because they’re sitting on paper and not circling in my head. There are many of ways to process things that work much better for others, but that’s what’s good for me. I wonder about the readers of this blog – YOU! I know I don’t have a lot of readers, but I know a lot happens in your life. It’s not just me that is awkward and indecisive …right? In the grand scheme of things, five years isn’t that long. But it’s not all about me here – I’m sure a good amount of things happened in five years for you, too! I would love to hear about them in the comment section 🙂 Anyways: if the going is tough for you right now, know that sometimes you just have to wait it out… for a long time. Like, a REALLY long time – it might be more than five years. Read: good times are a’comin. 🙂

 

Believing in the Sun

I’m not going to lie: the last few days were not easy. I’m not writing about those things, though. I was journaling a lot last night and today, and I thought I would share an excerpt from what I’ve written. Journaling helps me to get my cluttered thoughts in down. Somehow my problems are less crazy than I realized, my thoughts more organized after I’ve written them out. So here it goes:

So, moving forward? … It’s putting my hopes, dreams – my literal dreams, too, if I can change that too – into something else. How about the sun? As long as I have been alive, it has come up every morning across the horizon. Now, it has come up at different times, but it’s always come around before 12. So for now, I’m starting from scratch and putting my hopes in things that I can see, like the sun.

This isn’t to say that I don’t believe in God anymore, or that I’ve lost faith in Him too, but that I’m going to be re-discovering, re-needing, and re-loving Him for a while.

I said I believe in the Sun. But today is an overcast, gray-skyed rainy day. I can’t see a single trace of the sun. So does it not exist? Well, it only takes a minute for me to imagine what the sky would look like were the sun not to exist, and then I reconsider that gray sky. I don’t believe in the sun because I see it – I believe in the sun because by it, I see everything else. So even on the cloudiest, grayest, rainiest of days, I can still know its existence by the things around me. Then you can’t blame the sun’s lack of existence on the rain or your bad vision. More than that, your belief of the sun exists more than based sight alone. The warmth of the sun on your face is a wonderful feeling, but it only proves the sun’s existence on a sunny day. To truly know the sun exists is not just to feel the warmth of it on a sunny day, but to acknowledge its presence on rainy days too. Even more than that, it is trusting beyond the evidence of the moment – so that even in the dark, black, cold moments of night, you are certain that the sun will rise again.

P.S. The sun idea wasn’t all me. Credit is due to to the Beatles song, “Here Comes the Sun”, which I was listening to at the time of writing.

P.P.S. As it turns out, there is a C.S. Lewis quote that is very similar to what I wrote and sums it up well: “I believe in Christianity as I believe in the sun: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”

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Who Am I?

Dietrich Bonhoeffer is awesome. If you know who and what he is, you probably agree. This is a poem of his:

Who Am I?

Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a Squire from his country house.

Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectations of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all.

Who am I? This or the Other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptible woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am thine!

What did you think? Amazing, like me? We often find ourselves thinking that we are a million different things – but truth is, we are God’s! And that is the best news of all. 🙂

“…I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.” -Romans 7:15-25 (excerpt)

 

Among Other Things

I wish I could say something inspirational. Something that’s ‘freshly-pressed’ worthy, something that I can just write and the masses adore. But too often, that’s just not how it works, right? I used to write (my first couple posts – at the very, very beginning) deep, deep stuff. And that was popular. But, alas, life took over this blog. I wish I could spend more time here. Listening to Frank Sinatra/Michael Buble Spotify radio, drinking Sleepytime tea, maybe with a biscotti, maybe even with a good hour or two to read my Pride and Prejudice. But summer ended, along with the time to write (or rather, type). But I have this one Sunday, so I’ll make the most of it. These things, among others, are the things that get to me. In no particular order:

#1 People. I love people. I still haven’t figured out if I’m an introvert or an extrovert – I love being with people, but I still need my alone time. I’ve never been the life of the party, but I do love parties! At the same time, I need quiet time every now and then. But people, oh people, how you get on my nerves. My good friends are ever-so-dear and near to my heart. But there are so many other things that drive me crazy about people. For example, I can’t decide on a pet peeve – I just have so many! My family is a good explanation of this: my three younger brothers have recently gotten hooked on celery, arguably the loudest food on the planet. And they eat it – all. the. time. I have to work downstairs, listening to them chomp on celery – and all their other foods, because it’s like they have no control over their mouths. And that’s not including sniffling, random bad singing, etc. etc. But that kind of annoyance, though a huge nuisance, I can deal with. The things that really bother me come from the outside: my prime examples come in two forms: chorus and Chinese. I love singing – unfortunately, I’m not as good as I’d like to be. In school, I’m in chorus – but I joined my junior year. I made the huge mistake of joining yearbook, and that’s my biggest high school regret by far. Chorus is fun with the right people, but there are some things in there that’s kind of like an inside joke that’s only revealed to you when you’re in chorus for <2 years. And then Chinese – oh Chinese, I could tweet #thestruggle for every assignment. I’m in Chinese 4, but there are some kids that know Chinese like the back of their hand (they are Chinese, naturally), and get all A’s, every time, without studying much at all. There’s one girl in my class who almost never does her homework, but has an A-, and yet at the same time, I work my butt off to get the homework done every night, but I have a D+. It’s true that I should study more for the quizzes – and I am by no means using this as an excuse – but it seems like it’s unfair to take a class that’s elementary for so many.

#2 Parents. Yuppers, they had to come up sometime. I’m not saying I don’t love them, but recently, I’ve often found myself not liking them. Mom yells at me for “not working hard in Chinese”, and dad is the kind who presses you to the point of annoyance: “Margaret, work hard at ___” My dad is a little better, though he does have his times of way-too-seriousness. I just have to remember to cry silent tears in the car, and remember that it’s God and my stuffed animals who’s always got my back, even if my parents aren’t always supportive of my current efforts.

#3 Natures. No, not the nature like outside trees. Nature, as in human nature. It drives me crazy. We are born to be wonderful, perfectly with God, and yet, we have broken off because of our human natures. It’s frustrating, really, knowing that in this life we’ll never be in complete harmony. People do horrible things, annoying things, evil things, for an inexplicable reason – but it can almost always be traced back to our human nature.

But we can take comfort in a couple things: We have our moments of harmony – those times when everything seems to be going right, few times they may be, they just make us remember that there is something perfect out there, eventually. We also know that we will mess up, every single day. We can also remember those little moments in our day when we see God – when you get that parking spot that you just rolled up to, when you’re driving and you see the prettiest sky, ever, or when you get the nicest smile from someone. But the greatest miracle of all is that we have a God who wants us so badly that he scoops us up every single time – no matter how far we’ve fallen, he will always be there, picking us up, ready to bring us back. God doesn’t promise an easy life, but he promises a beautiful eternity with him. Which puts all those things – among other things – aside, because I couldn’t think of anything better.

“He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. And all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.” -David Crowder Band, How He Loves